Breaking the Cycle of Shame
What We Teach Our Girls About Womanhood in the Black Community
Lately, I’ve been reflecting on something heavy—something that has followed Black girls for generations. In our community, many of us were taught from a very young age to feel ashamed of our bodies. The moment a girl hits ten and begins to develop, her changing body becomes a source of concern, commentary, and control. Family members, church leaders, and even other women step in with what they believe is “guidance,” but that guidance often comes wrapped in shame.
And even when it comes from a good place, it still misses the truth:
A girl becoming a woman is not a problem to manage—it’s a transition to honor.
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The Difference Between Celebrating Womanhood and Shaming It
I was talking with my daughter about this, and she said something that stuck with me. She mentioned how in many Spanish/Latinx communities, becoming a woman is celebrated. It’s a moment of pride. Makeup, style, and self-expression are embraced. The message is:
“You’re blooming. You’re stepping into something beautiful.”
But in many Black households, the message is very different.
When our girls wear makeup: “You think you grown.”
When they develop curves: “Cover that up.”
When they want to express themselves: “People will think you’re fast.”
Before they even become women, we teach them to hide.
Not because their bodies are bad—but because our community carries generations of pain, trauma, and fear tied to the female body.
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We Inherited Shame That Was Never Ours
Many of us grew up hearing:
• “Pull that skirt down.”
• “You’re attracting the wrong kind of attention.”
• “Don’t wear that around men.”
• “Be careful how you sit, how you walk, how you dress.”
Very little of this guidance was about identity.
Almost all of it was about protecting ourselves from the lust or judgment of others.
Instead of teaching confidence, boundaries, self-worth, and discernment, we were taught to:
Manage men’s thoughts. Guard against being misunderstood. Protect ourselves from other people’s impurity.
And the truth is painful:
A lot of this shame stems from the trauma in our community—molestation, sexualization of young girls, rape, and the generational effects of being blamed for the sins committed against us.
We were raised with the fear of being blamed or labeled.
So we learned to hide.
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Purity Is Not About Clothes—It’s About the Heart
Years ago, I posted swimsuit photos from my fitness journey. My mom hated it because she didn’t want church people to judge me. But my dad said something that changed everything. He told me:
“Your body is beautiful. A pure heart sees beauty.
A lustful heart sees lust. That has nothing to do with you.”
That perspective freed me.
It helped me understand something biblical—Adam and Eve were created without shame. Shame only entered after sin, and they covered themselves because their mindset changed, not because their bodies changed.
We cover ourselves today out of that same inherited shame.
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Remembering Our Roots
When I look at African traditions before colonization, clothing was minimal because of the climate. Women walked freely with curves visible—not sexualized, not shamed. Their bodies were normal, not taboo. There was no “fast girl” label for naturally being shaped like a woman.
The intense shame many Black women carry today is not African.
It’s American.
It’s colonial.
It’s religious without being spiritual.
And it’s hurting us.
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We Teach Our Girls the Wrong Lessons First
Instead of teaching:
• self-worth
• identity in Christ
• emotional boundaries
• self-love
• confidence
• personal value
We teach them:
“Cover up.”
“Don’t make a man stumble.”
“Don’t look grown.”
Everything external. Almost nothing internal.
We prepare them to perform femininity, not to embody womanhood.
A long skirt won’t keep a girl pure, and short shorts won’t make her promiscuous.
Purity is a matter of the heart—not the hemline.
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Let Girls Become Women Without Shame
Becoming a woman is about more than makeup, careers, or curves. It’s about stepping into who God created you to be—mind, body, and spirit.
And yes, as women, our bodies are powerful. We carry life, nurture life, birth life. Our strength is unmatched. Yet we are often the most judged, the most policed, and the most misunderstood.
We must stop passing down shame like an heirloom.
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We Are Not Meant to Hide—we are Meant to Shine
When I think about my dad walking around shirtless, proud of his muscles from a lifetime of fitness, nobody judged him. It was pure. But when a woman shows her progress, her beauty, her confidence—it’s often condemned.
Why?
Because we’re living in a society built on rules written by men, for the comfort of men.
But we were never created to shrink for anyone.
America is not the world. In other cultures, women are honored differently. This is why expanding our worldview is necessary—so we can stop shrinking under mentalities that were never ours to begin with.
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We Are Strong. We Are Needed. We Are Enough.
Women are powerful beyond measure.
Life cannot enter this world without us.
We carry for nine months what many men could not carry for nine minutes.
Our strength is divine.
So let’s teach our girls what womanhood truly is:
✨ Confidence
✨ Identity
✨ Worth
✨ Purity of heart
✨ Purpose
✨ Self-love
✨ Spiritual grounding
✨ Respect for their bodies—not shame over them
Becoming a woman was always meant to be beautiful.
It’s time we start treating it that way again.
Join the Conversation ✨
This is a topic that touches so many of us—mothers, daughters, aunties, teachers, and women healing from the narratives we were handed. I’m opening this space not just to share my reflections, but to hear yours.
How were you taught to understand your body, your womanhood, your femininity?
What messages shaped you—for better or for worse?
And what do you believe our daughters need to hear from us today?
Your voice matters. Your story matters.
Let’s break the cycle of shame together and build something healthier, freer, and more loving for the next generation.
Drop your thoughts below. 💛✨
