Honor

Aisha Danielle M.

What My Former Marriage Taught Me About Honor, Respect, and Healthy Relationships

Recently, I had a conversation with a man about what it means to honor your mate. It was a simple conversation, but it challenged me to examine my own understanding of honor. I found myself asking, “What does honor really look like?” More importantly, does honor mean the same thing to everyone?

The more I reflected, the more I realized that honor is often misunderstood. Many people define it by what they expect to receive rather than by what they are willing to give.

As I thought about the last time I truly honored a man, my mind immediately went back to my former marriage. Looking back now, I realize that while I understood the importance of honor, I didn’t fully understand its boundaries.

I married young, at twenty-one years old. Like many young wives, I entered marriage believing that honoring my husband meant supporting him, respecting him, encouraging him, and standing faithfully beside him. I gladly embraced that role.

I honored him by caring for our home and family. I cooked meals that made him feel appreciated. I celebrated him as a husband, father, and leader. I supported his calling in ministry, encouraged his gifts, and made sacrifices so he could pursue what God had placed before him. I wasn’t serving out of obligation. I was serving out of love.

Looking back, I don’t regret honoring my former husband in those ways. Honor is beautiful when it flows from love and mutual respect.

But what I eventually learned is that honor is not the same thing as losing yourself.

When God Changed My Understanding of Honor

About ten years into my former marriage, God began calling me into something that stretched me beyond the identity I had built as a wife.

At that time, I was a stay-at-home mother. I had left school because my former husband preferred that I stay home. I didn’t have a degree. I didn’t have an income. Much of my life revolved around supporting my family and serving alongside my husband in ministry.

Then God began speaking to my heart.

He called me to step outside the four walls of the church and start a nonprofit ministry that would serve and mentor young women.

I had no money.

No organization.

No blueprint.

Only obedience.

So I stepped out in faith.

People believed in the vision. Volunteers came alongside me. Donations began to support the work. Lives were being impacted.

What I believed would be celebrated instead became a source of tension in my marriage.

I remember hearing words that deeply impacted me:

“Why can’t you just be happy being my wife?”

Today, I don’t share that statement to condemn my former husband. We were both young, growing, and learning. Instead, I share it because it revealed something important about my own understanding of honor.

For years, I had supported his calling without resentment. I honored the sacrifices ministry required of him. I celebrated his purpose.

Yet when God called me to something that required my own time, energy, and obedience, that same support wasn’t returned.

That’s when I began to realize something profound.

Sometimes people are comfortable receiving your honor as long as it benefits them.

The moment your obedience to God requires you to grow beyond their expectations, they may interpret your growth as dishonor.

But obedience to God is never dishonor.

Honor Should Never Require You to Abandon Your Calling

One of the greatest lessons my former marriage taught me is that healthy honor recognizes that both husband and wife belong to God before they belong to each other.

Marriage makes us one, but it does not erase our individuality.

We are still sons and daughters of God.

We still have gifts.

We still have purpose.

We still have assignments.

True honor respects the individual God created within the relationship.

It says,

“I honor your calling.”

“I honor your relationship with God.”

“I honor the gifts He’s placed inside of you.”

Honor isn’t asking someone to become smaller so you can feel bigger.

That’s not honor.

That’s control.

The Difference Between Honor and Self-Sacrifice

As women, many of us naturally desire to nurture.

We encourage.

We serve.

We sacrifice.

Those are beautiful qualities.

But if we’re not careful, we can begin honoring people who have done very little to cultivate an honorable relationship.

There’s a difference between serving someone and sacrificing your own identity.

There’s a difference between honoring someone and abandoning yourself.

For years, I believed I was honoring my marriage.

Looking back, I realize I was honoring the position more than I was evaluating the character. I continued extending honor while experiencing dishonor in return. There were seasons of emotional control, discouragement from pursuing my education and purpose, and eventually physical abuse when I confronted behavior that violated our marriage covenant. Those experiences forced me to confront a difficult question: Can honor exist where integrity no longer does?

That makes the question feel earned.

A title doesn’t automatically make someone honorable.

Being a husband doesn’t automatically make every decision honorable.

Being a leader doesn’t automatically make every action honorable.

Honor should never require us to ignore truth.

Honor Must Flow Both Ways

One Scripture that has become especially meaningful to me is Romans 12:10:

“Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.”

Notice what Paul says.

One another.

Honor was never intended to flow in one direction.

The Bible also tells husbands to honor their wives (1 Peter 3:7).

Mutual honor has always been God’s design.

Before Paul ever instructs wives or husbands, he gives both a command in Ephesians 5:21: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”

Mutual submission isn’t about one person losing their voice while the other gains authority. It is two people laying down selfishness to help each other become everything God has called them to be.

Healthy relationships aren’t built on one person constantly giving while the other constantly receives.

They’re built on reciprocal love, respect, sacrifice, and accountability.

Are You a Safe Place to Be Honored?

As I reflected on my recent conversation, another question came to mind.

Many men say they desire a woman who honors them.

That’s understandable.

But perhaps an equally important question is this:

Have you become a safe place for a woman to express that honor?

Honor requires trust.

Trust requires character.

Character requires consistency.

A woman who honors a man is giving him something valuable.

If he misuses that honor, manipulates it, or expects it without earning her trust, he risks turning her gift into a burden and using it as a means of control.

That’s not honor.

Honor Is Earned Through Character

I also believe many frustrations in dating stem from unrealistic expectations.

Some people expect loyalty before they’ve demonstrated faithfulness.

They expect trust before they’ve proven trustworthy.

They expect honor simply because of a title.

But that’s not how relationships work.

Think about your career.

You don’t receive Employee of the Year on your first day because you filled out an application.

You earn respect through consistency.

You earn trust through integrity.

You earn influence through faithful service.

Relationships are no different.

People don’t honor titles.

They honor character.

The Lesson God Taught Me

As I look back on my former marriage, I don’t believe God was teaching me to become less honoring. He was teaching me to become wiser about where I placed my honor.

The lesson was not to stop honoring. It was to honor with discernment.

For years, I was honoring the position while overlooking whether the person occupying that position was living honorably.

There is a difference.

Titles are given.

Honor is cultivated.

Character—not position—is what makes a person worthy of honor.

Discernment is not the opposite of love. It is one of the ways mature love protects what God has entrusted to us.

God did not make me less loving.

He made me wiser.

This lesson is not only for married men; it is for all of us. We should all examine whether we are asking others to give what we have not taken the time to cultivate within ourselves. Honor, trust, and respect are not privileges we demand. They are qualities we help create through the way we love, serve, and show up in relationships.

The Moral of the Story

If there’s one lesson my former marriage taught me, it’s this:

Don’t honor people simply because of their title.

Honor them because of their character.

Honor them because they demonstrate integrity.

Honor them because they protect your heart, respect your calling, and value the covenant you’ve built together.

Honor is a response to consistent, honorable living.

And if you desire to be honored—whether as a husband, wife, leader, friend, or partner—begin by becoming honorable yourself.

Lead with humility.

Lead with integrity.

Lead with love.

Lead by example.

Because honor isn’t something you demand.

It’s something your character invites.